A good friend of mine is expecting a second child, and it gave me the inspiration to share some tips on how you can prepare your firstborn for a new sibling, and also help you deal with the emotions your first child may be going through, such as jealousy or even resentment.
The arrival of a new baby can bring many changes to a family. Parents spend a lot of energy on preparations, and after the baby arrives, much of the family's attention involves meeting the newborn's basic needs. All this change can be hard for older siblings to handle. It's common for them to feel jealousy toward the newborn and to react to the upheaval by acting out.
Your first child may experience a range of emotions, from jealousy to excitement and even resentment. Younger toddlers are unable to verbalize their feelings, and their behaviors may regress after the new child is born. They might suck their thumb, drink from a bottle, forget their recent potty training skills, and communicate using baby talk in an effort to get your attention.
Older toddlers and children might express their feelings by testing your patience, misbehaving, throwing tantrums, or refusing to eat.
But parents can prepare kids for an addition to the family. Discussing the pregnancy in terms that make sense to kids, making some arrangements, and including kids in the care of the newborn can make things easier for everyone. A little preparation can go a long way in helping your older child adjust to the idea of welcoming a new sibling.
DURING PREGNANCY
There's not one right time or perfect way to tell a child about an impending sibling. When discussing the pregnancy, consider your own comfort level and your child's maturity level. Preschoolers, for example, may not grasp concepts of time, so it might not mean much if you say that the baby will arrive in a few months. It may be more useful to explain that the baby will arrive in a particular season, such as Christmas or Chinese New Year, or when the school holidays come.
How much detail should you provide? Let your child's questions be your guide. For example, a 4-year-old child may ask: "Where do babies come from?" Despite how it sounds, the child isn't asking you to explain sex but probably wants to know where, literally, they come from. It may be enough to explain: "The baby comes from the uterus, which is inside the mother's belly." A child who wants to know more will ask.
If your child shows more interest in the baby, these activities can encourage that:
- going through your child's baby pictures
- reading books about childbirth (make sure they're developmentally appropriate)
- visiting friends who have infants
- packing a bag for the hospital
- thinking of potential baby names
- going to the doctor to hear the baby's heartbeat
PLANNING FOR CHILDBIRTH
As your due date draws near, make arrangements for older kids for the time when you're in the hospital. Discuss these plans so kids know what to expect when the day arrives.
Consider letting your child visit you in the hospital as soon as possible after the baby is born, ideally when no other visitors are around — this helps reinforce the birth as an intimate family event.
Try to keep routines as regular as possible in the days and weeks around the baby's arrival. If you plan to make any room shifts to accommodate the baby, do it a few weeks before your due date. If older kids are approaching a major milestone, like potty training or moving from a crib to a bed, try to make those changes well before your due date or put them off until after the baby has been home for a while.
BRINGING THE NEW BABY HOME
Once the baby is home, you can help your other kids adjust to the changes. Include them as much as possible in the daily activities involving the baby so that they don't feel left out.
Many kids want to help take care of a new baby. Though that "help" may mean that each task takes longer, it can give an older child a chance to interact with the baby in a positive way. Depending on their age, a big brother or sister may want to fold or fetch diapers, help push the carriage, talk to the baby, or help dress, bathe, or burp the baby.
If your child expresses no interest in the baby, don't be alarmed and don't force it. It can take time.
Some occasions, like breastfeeding, excludes older kids. For these times, try to have toys on hand so that you can feed the baby without being interrupted or worrying about an older child feeling left out.
Try to take advantage of opportunities for one-on-one time with older kids. Spend time together while the baby is sleeping and, if possible, set aside time each day for older kids to get one parent's undivided attention. Knowing that there's special time exclusively for them may help reduce any resentment or anger about the new baby.
Also remind relatives and friends that your older child might want to talk about something other than the new baby.
DEALING WITH FEELINGS
With all of the changes that a new baby can bring, some older kids might struggle as they try to adjust.
Encourage older kids to talk about their feelings about the new baby. If a child cannot articulate those feelings, don't be surprised if he or she tests limits or reverts to speaking in baby talk.
If your child acts up, don't bend the rules, but understand what feelings may be motivating that behavior. It could be a sign that your child needs more one-on-one time with you, but make it clear that although his or her feelings are important, they have to be expressed in appropriate ways.
ENCOURAGE THE ROLE OF OLDER SIBLING
Aside from those above, here are a number of things that can help your firstborn to play up the role of older sibling:
- Letting your older child help pick out items for the new baby's room. If your children will be sharing a bedroom, this is particularly important.
- Finding a special gift that your older child might like to share with the baby, such as a favorite book or toy, or a photo of the sibling for the baby's room. You might also want to pick out something for your older child too, such as a special chair just for him or her that he or she can sit in while you're feeding the baby.
- Arranging special time just for you and your older child. This might involve a trip to the library, grocery store, or simply reading a few extra stories at bedtime. Your partner can help you by caring for the baby during these times.
- Role-playing or reading stories to your child that will help him or her understand what is happening in the family. There are several books written especially for toddlers that can help. Check your favorite bookstore or ask your librarian for specific titles.
- Preparing your child for what to expect when the baby comes home. This includes explaining that a new baby cries, sleeps, and needs diaper changes frequently. Assure your older child that although the new baby needs lots of attention, there will still be plenty of time and love for him or her.
- Reinforcing your older child's role in the family. Tell your child that he or she will be the "big brother/sister" to the new baby, and let your child revel in this new role.
- Consider taking your child on one of your prenatal visits or letting him or her be present for an ultrasound. If you're giving birth in a hospital setting, ask about sibling visitation after the baby is born.
---
The arrival of a new child represents a big shift in your older child's life, so you might want to hold off on introducing other major changes. This is probably not the best time to start toilet teaching, to begin the transition from bottle to cup, or to enroll your child in a program where he or she will be separated from you for the first time. Consistency will go a long way in making your child's adjustment easier.
Siblings play a very special role in your new baby's life, so don't leave your first child out of the decision-making. So much attention (baby showers, new furniture, clothes, toys) is lavished on the new baby, making it easy for the older child to feel overlooked. Reassure your child that he or she is as special as the new addition by letting him or her participate in the flurry of activity.
The arrival of a new baby can bring many changes to a family. Parents spend a lot of energy on preparations, and after the baby arrives, much of the family's attention involves meeting the newborn's basic needs. All this change can be hard for older siblings to handle. It's common for them to feel jealousy toward the newborn and to react to the upheaval by acting out.
Your first child may experience a range of emotions, from jealousy to excitement and even resentment. Younger toddlers are unable to verbalize their feelings, and their behaviors may regress after the new child is born. They might suck their thumb, drink from a bottle, forget their recent potty training skills, and communicate using baby talk in an effort to get your attention.
Older toddlers and children might express their feelings by testing your patience, misbehaving, throwing tantrums, or refusing to eat.
But parents can prepare kids for an addition to the family. Discussing the pregnancy in terms that make sense to kids, making some arrangements, and including kids in the care of the newborn can make things easier for everyone. A little preparation can go a long way in helping your older child adjust to the idea of welcoming a new sibling.
DURING PREGNANCY
There's not one right time or perfect way to tell a child about an impending sibling. When discussing the pregnancy, consider your own comfort level and your child's maturity level. Preschoolers, for example, may not grasp concepts of time, so it might not mean much if you say that the baby will arrive in a few months. It may be more useful to explain that the baby will arrive in a particular season, such as Christmas or Chinese New Year, or when the school holidays come.
How much detail should you provide? Let your child's questions be your guide. For example, a 4-year-old child may ask: "Where do babies come from?" Despite how it sounds, the child isn't asking you to explain sex but probably wants to know where, literally, they come from. It may be enough to explain: "The baby comes from the uterus, which is inside the mother's belly." A child who wants to know more will ask.
If your child shows more interest in the baby, these activities can encourage that:
- going through your child's baby pictures
- reading books about childbirth (make sure they're developmentally appropriate)
- visiting friends who have infants
- packing a bag for the hospital
- thinking of potential baby names
- going to the doctor to hear the baby's heartbeat
PLANNING FOR CHILDBIRTH
As your due date draws near, make arrangements for older kids for the time when you're in the hospital. Discuss these plans so kids know what to expect when the day arrives.
Consider letting your child visit you in the hospital as soon as possible after the baby is born, ideally when no other visitors are around — this helps reinforce the birth as an intimate family event.
Try to keep routines as regular as possible in the days and weeks around the baby's arrival. If you plan to make any room shifts to accommodate the baby, do it a few weeks before your due date. If older kids are approaching a major milestone, like potty training or moving from a crib to a bed, try to make those changes well before your due date or put them off until after the baby has been home for a while.
BRINGING THE NEW BABY HOME
Once the baby is home, you can help your other kids adjust to the changes. Include them as much as possible in the daily activities involving the baby so that they don't feel left out.
Many kids want to help take care of a new baby. Though that "help" may mean that each task takes longer, it can give an older child a chance to interact with the baby in a positive way. Depending on their age, a big brother or sister may want to fold or fetch diapers, help push the carriage, talk to the baby, or help dress, bathe, or burp the baby.
If your child expresses no interest in the baby, don't be alarmed and don't force it. It can take time.
Some occasions, like breastfeeding, excludes older kids. For these times, try to have toys on hand so that you can feed the baby without being interrupted or worrying about an older child feeling left out.
Try to take advantage of opportunities for one-on-one time with older kids. Spend time together while the baby is sleeping and, if possible, set aside time each day for older kids to get one parent's undivided attention. Knowing that there's special time exclusively for them may help reduce any resentment or anger about the new baby.
Also remind relatives and friends that your older child might want to talk about something other than the new baby.
DEALING WITH FEELINGS
With all of the changes that a new baby can bring, some older kids might struggle as they try to adjust.
Encourage older kids to talk about their feelings about the new baby. If a child cannot articulate those feelings, don't be surprised if he or she tests limits or reverts to speaking in baby talk.
If your child acts up, don't bend the rules, but understand what feelings may be motivating that behavior. It could be a sign that your child needs more one-on-one time with you, but make it clear that although his or her feelings are important, they have to be expressed in appropriate ways.
ENCOURAGE THE ROLE OF OLDER SIBLING
Aside from those above, here are a number of things that can help your firstborn to play up the role of older sibling:
- Letting your older child help pick out items for the new baby's room. If your children will be sharing a bedroom, this is particularly important.
- Finding a special gift that your older child might like to share with the baby, such as a favorite book or toy, or a photo of the sibling for the baby's room. You might also want to pick out something for your older child too, such as a special chair just for him or her that he or she can sit in while you're feeding the baby.
- Arranging special time just for you and your older child. This might involve a trip to the library, grocery store, or simply reading a few extra stories at bedtime. Your partner can help you by caring for the baby during these times.
- Role-playing or reading stories to your child that will help him or her understand what is happening in the family. There are several books written especially for toddlers that can help. Check your favorite bookstore or ask your librarian for specific titles.
- Preparing your child for what to expect when the baby comes home. This includes explaining that a new baby cries, sleeps, and needs diaper changes frequently. Assure your older child that although the new baby needs lots of attention, there will still be plenty of time and love for him or her.
- Reinforcing your older child's role in the family. Tell your child that he or she will be the "big brother/sister" to the new baby, and let your child revel in this new role.
- Consider taking your child on one of your prenatal visits or letting him or her be present for an ultrasound. If you're giving birth in a hospital setting, ask about sibling visitation after the baby is born.
---
The arrival of a new child represents a big shift in your older child's life, so you might want to hold off on introducing other major changes. This is probably not the best time to start toilet teaching, to begin the transition from bottle to cup, or to enroll your child in a program where he or she will be separated from you for the first time. Consistency will go a long way in making your child's adjustment easier.
Siblings play a very special role in your new baby's life, so don't leave your first child out of the decision-making. So much attention (baby showers, new furniture, clothes, toys) is lavished on the new baby, making it easy for the older child to feel overlooked. Reassure your child that he or she is as special as the new addition by letting him or her participate in the flurry of activity.
3 readers penned their thoughts:
is this some sort of a prelude to a babygirl Boyd? hahahaha....
preparing 4 number huh? heheh
aiyoh!
did i not say in the first sentence of the post:
"A good friend of mine is expecting a second child..."???
lol.
plus i'm merely reposting whatever tips i share on the Drypers FB Discussion page here. =)
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